30 May 2006
Bank Holiday Monday
I can't really type this on the home computer as I write this, as it would probably wake the parents up - but then again, I'm watching The Last Samurai on video (retro - I know) and the sound of gun shots hasn't woken them yet.
I'm currently looking around my old room at all the things I used to hold so dear - yet which now mean nothing to me.
I've unearthed my old high school and college Leaver's book and read all the comments from people whose opinion I used to choose my clothes and hairstyles by. I realise now just how insignificant it all was. People who I rarely raise a 'hello' to on MSN, yet who used to be my best friends. Am I fickle? No, with regards to high school friends I don't think I am. We had different priorities in life. My leaver's book is full of comments from people wishing me luck as a future doctor, while I remember writing comments in other people's books wishing them luck with their impending motherhood.
I've also just found an old photo album filled with pictures from my college and our end of 6th form ball. Apart from my obvious alcohol consumption I can remember little from the night. Is this because I see it as insignificant? Sadly, this is probably true. I started university with one of my best friends from college. Dissapointingly, within the space of our first year in halls, we were barely on speaking terms. We never really fell out - just drifted apart on our different courses. I don't know where she is now, and I don't run into her at university anymore. Is it a bad thing that I don't really care either?
I'm finding myself questioning whether I really am the callous, dismissive cow I think I am. Do I really deserve a best friend like Leela, who despite a physical distance of over 250 miles still gave me an earbashing for not keeping in touch?
Or am I just too independent for my own good; unable to accept help when it's offered, and destined to be lonely for the rest of my life?
I think only I really know the answer to that, and it worries me.
But then again, maybe it's the insomnia talking and the fact that it's now 1.52AM and I'm still awake. Wide awake.