30 May 2006

Bank Holiday Monday


Moody Merys
Originally uploaded by merysjones.
It's 1.37AM on my last night/morning before returning to university. Despite taking all my usual sleeping potions and combining them with alcohol and tonight's dross television, I'm still awake in the bedroom I lived in as a teenager.

I can't really type this on the home computer as I write this, as it would probably wake the parents up - but then again, I'm watching The Last Samurai on video (retro - I know) and the sound of gun shots hasn't woken them yet.

I'm currently looking around my old room at all the things I used to hold so dear - yet which now mean nothing to me.

I've unearthed my old high school and college Leaver's book and read all the comments from people whose opinion I used to choose my clothes and hairstyles by. I realise now just how insignificant it all was. People who I rarely raise a 'hello' to on MSN, yet who used to be my best friends. Am I fickle? No, with regards to high school friends I don't think I am. We had different priorities in life. My leaver's book is full of comments from people wishing me luck as a future doctor, while I remember writing comments in other people's books wishing them luck with their impending motherhood.

I've also just found an old photo album filled with pictures from my college and our end of 6th form ball. Apart from my obvious alcohol consumption I can remember little from the night. Is this because I see it as insignificant? Sadly, this is probably true. I started university with one of my best friends from college. Dissapointingly, within the space of our first year in halls, we were barely on speaking terms. We never really fell out - just drifted apart on our different courses. I don't know where she is now, and I don't run into her at university anymore. Is it a bad thing that I don't really care either?

I'm finding myself questioning whether I really am the callous, dismissive cow I think I am. Do I really deserve a best friend like Leela, who despite a physical distance of over 250 miles still gave me an earbashing for not keeping in touch?

Or am I just too independent for my own good; unable to accept help when it's offered, and destined to be lonely for the rest of my life?

I think only I really know the answer to that, and it worries me.

But then again, maybe it's the insomnia talking and the fact that it's now 1.52AM and I'm still awake. Wide awake.

3 comments:

Old Bar Man said...

nope you're not a callous, dismissive cow. I'm exactly the same. Well if you are, then I am too. I no know one from my first year halls. 6th form may ocassionly meet up for a drink, but nothing more, and that's only when I'm out on my own and as a last resort.
Cheers up duck, you're starting to sound as bad as me

Jo said...

I've lost touch with nearly all my high school friends. Hardly any of us are even in the same country any more. I *think* my best friend from school is studying medicine ... but, you know, it could be biomedical sciences, or something like that, I can't remember any more. No idea what any of my other friends are studying. I hardly keep in touch with anyone from first year halls - and I'm only in the second year! A friend of mine from the church I attended in my gap year gave me an ear bashing when I told her honestly that I probably wouldn't stay in touch. I was right. It's not that I don't like her, we just don't have all that much in common.

Joe90 said...

Excellent blog, pretty colour aswell.

I know what you mean about returning home and finding a whole new place. Looking at things you held dear, which now mean nothing.

It's hard, but don't loose sleep over it.