05 December 2006

Small steps

Frankly, I'm hoping that my current feelings of complete and utter disdain for this course are simply due to a lack of sleep and too much work.

At the moment, I don't want to come back after Christmas. I know of course that I will. I know that I won't give in (at least I hope that I won't) and I'll keep on plodding along until I fail or something drastic happens.

I'm tired. Very very tired. And I'm getting fed up of the arrogance of some of the people on my course. People who look down their nose at graduates and who take for granted what they have. Graduates can be stuck-up idiots too, but those of us who really had to fight for our places try not to take them for granted. Just because you're 18 years old, at university for the first time and have a huge overdraft - does not mean it's right or fair to skip group work and plenaries for the sake of your hangover (repeatedly).

I'm sick of the cliques, the bitching and the backbiting. I'm fed up of the 'mightier than thou' attitude many medics adopt towards biomedical science students (I was there, and it used to piss me off). And mostly, I'm fed up of petty med school bureaucracy. I'm fed up of bitchy emails to the entire year about the action of the few. I'm fed up of filling in 95 forms just to get time off for a doctor's appointment (and then having to explain why - because I'm a medic and we should be prepared to discuss things!) and I'm fed up of this place in general.

I'm past the point of crying. I'm past the point of giving a shit I thing. I just hope it's an end of term thing, or else I'm screwed. I want to quit.


Anonymous said...

as the old saying goes

'laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you get your face wet'

cheer up duck

Phoenix said...

You're too good to quit, and you know it.

Medical school is tough. From what I read, I found it tough in the same way as you - the work was a bit of a chore but ultimately rewarding because it's what I wanted to do. But the attitudes of the people on my course made me frustrated, angry, upset, and all sorts of other negative things.

Remember their attitude is their problem, not yours. If you can rise above it and make it through despite all the negativity, it'll be bloody hard work but well worth it in the end. I promise.

I don't feel I've expressed what I wanted to say to you here, but hopefully it means something, even if just that someone took the time to leave you a comment.

Chin up!

Mat said...

"does not mean it's right or fair to skip group work and plenaries for the sake of your hangover (repeatedly)."

That was me last year,perhaps not fair (and I understand you use a different model of PBL which makes that more annoying) but clearly it is a thing that has to be viewed both ways. I'm sure you missed stuff in your first year of your first degree, and whilst to you it's all old hat, lots of these people are drinking heavily and experiencing independence for the first time.

If you don't fuck up and miss PBL or other group work (I missed about 5 PBLs last year, and 1 this year through hangovers - admittedly this year all my pbls have been in the afternoon) then you're a better man than most of us.

And replace plenty of grads, with just as large a number as non-grads, who if aren't actually anti-non-grad, they're give off a negative persona.

I spoke to a fresher-18 year old tonight, who described a fresher-grad as being "completely unapproachable" - infact that's a nicer way to phrase it, I then pointed out I quite liked this person, and he a) backtracked - I'm clearly scary and b) explained he was sure she was lovely, just she seemed unapproachable.

This is a real problem, my eldest sister is the same age as most grads at medschool, I've learn't to not let this bother me, I have lots of grad friends, not that I really consider my friends grads and non-grads, they're just people...however, I've changed my opinion as i've grown older and wiser.

When I was fresh into medical school, I agreed with the anti-grad sentiment, now I've had a year to mellow and mature, I can see it's all bull crap. Partially I'm sure because you see grads fall flat on their faces, in the first term some of the grads have the attitude (and some maintain it) that because they've done a degree - whatever it is in - that they're medical genii. Then, you have a few exams, and they and you realise - actually a past degree may help with bits, but it ain't going to help a lot. In our year, I'm sure grads on average do better, I think the top score in all our exams has been grads, but there was an almost representative proportion of grads resitting at the end of the year, and there definetly isn't a clear line.

This is an issue you face a lot, and neither side can claim any innocence whatsoever, lines such by 21 year olds along the lines of "I don't want to hang around with any 18 year olds" when lots of 30 year olds manage it, clearly help no one, and medical school is a great place for stuff like that to spread. And lines such as someones favourite "you stole my friends place" are just as bad.

Ultimately, the solution is, for people to better understand each other, I for one would put the burden of the first step on grads, in Freshers week, when they're are 18 year olds who've done nothing like this before, you have a reference point, you will clearly be less nervous, and hence if you are willing to come out and talk to them then, you'll probably find you don't get so segregated later.

Or perhaps, it'll always happen.

On other notes, feel better soon it passes, and you know that I felt the exact same way last year. Someone gave me some good advise last year, maybe you should read through msn logs, and listen to yourself.

Anonymous said...

Dont give up!
Remember theres more good people in the world than bad. Rise above the pettiness and dont give them the satisfaction of looking down on you. Its their problem, its their way of coping with their own shortcomings!
Use your blog to vent or sound off.
We will look after you. (that sounds a bit creepy!) You know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

I hope you manage to have a really peaceful and relaxing Christmas holiday away from the rabbles.

I hope you're refreshed and feeling more positive when you come back!

And I hope you can get your head around the fact that the attitude of those around you is sonething you should take on board, but not take personally, and not let them destroy your determination and your positivity.

It'll be okay! :hug:

caramaena said...

*hugs* merys. Sounds tough, but I'm sure you'll get there. You're going to be a great doc :)

Calavera said...

*nods* I can sympathise... honestly, there are some people on my course too whom I look at and think, "And you want to be a doctor someday??"

I'm sure that this is just a rough patch and that once you have time to unwind over Christmas, you'll be refuelled!

By the way, I linked to you on my blog, I hope that's ok?


Anonymous said...

Chin up Merys! You're right, it is unacceptable to miss group work because of a hangover. But first years don't always realise that. They often grow up in the second year though. Hope it picks up soon.

Anonymous said...

Please don't give up. We need people like you. It's a hard choice you have made and the work/ life balance can't be easy. But think how much you have invested already. Take a break over Christmas and you'll feel a lot better. Just don't give up.

Anonymous said...

For goodness sake, don't give up Merys. See it through to the end of the course and then make a balanced choice. My eldest chopped in Medicine after his first year because he was being pushed hard and for the first time in his life he wasn't top of the class.

Now he's got loads more time to himself to act like a typical greasy wanker student and get messed around by his girlfriend at our expense.

I suspect he will live to seriously regret chucking it in when he's sat smearing exudate into a petri dish.

At the end of the day it's his choice and we can only advise, likewise I'd advise you to stick it out. You sound like a nice person and the world can always use another nice Dr to ofset the others.


Nichola said...

I didn't do PBL at Medical School so I can't really comment on that... although it sounds like a really tough way to learn. I don't think it would have worked for me - I was a non-grad and attended almost everything (missed only 1 thing in 5 years due to hangover - not really a drinker), but I can't imagine being consistently so self motivated.

Having said that, I didn't really enjoy medical school. I endured first and second year, appreciated (mostly) my clinical years and enjoy my job.
Stick with it for now. I promise it will improve. After Christmas, after a few people have failed their exams, they *will* buckle down. Certainly, if 10% dropout (which is what it was at my Med School), people work harder in second year. I know it's annoying when people don't show, but that is often better than them coming and being a waste of space. (Not sure if that's as true with PBL though?!)

Sorry for rambling, I was trying to sound reassuring.