03 December 2007

What a difference a day makes.

It's odd isn't it. When I look at the post I made last night, I realise I was drunk. Full of false confidence and elation. Satisfied by the tiniest things.
Today I'd tired. Not just physically, but mentally.
I'm lacking in confidence in my abilities. OSCEs are looming and I don't know enough. Yet I can't concentrate. My priorities are all wrong.
I'm finding that what confidence I had to start with has vanished. I couldn't speak in front of the group in PBL today. Couldn't articulate my words to give my presentation. Had a screensaver moment.
I'm having funny dreams. No matter how much sleep I get, it's not enough. I really feel down. Don't want to be here anymore.
I'm hoping it's just pre-christmas blues. If not, I'm worried that I won't return after the holidays.

6 comments:

Sweet Camden Lass said...

Hang on in there. It's tough, but you will be fine. I've watched my flatmate going through this, and if she could make it - she's in her final year (after a couple of years resitting), and out in Pune, India now, doing obs & gyny as part of an elective - so can you.

Pre-Christmas blues... and that glorious sunshine from Saturday has completely disappeared, and the weather's dull and grim.

*hugs*

~x~

the little medic said...

Everyone has shit times, goodness knows i've had my own and seen plenty of other people have them.

It is but little comfort to hear people say 'hang on in there' etc etc. Only you know really how you're feeling.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Jo said...

{hugs}
Sounds like a good dose of overwork, mixed in with not enough sleep, and liberally sprinkled with not enough sunshine :-(

I hope the Christmas break gives you a chance to completely relax and recharge your batteries (with all the working that you are doing, please find a few days where you are going to be doing absolutely nothing - not even planning to meet up with friends or go shopping. Just a bit of time for yourself)

Ilex said...

Firstly, I just wanted to say: reading your blog, I have no idea how you do it. I am in awe of your forebearance and commitment. You put me and all of my friends in the shade, and every time I whinge about having too much work, I stop myself and think of the things you report.

That said, I can emphathise. I'm a final year student (useless social sciences) and the Christmas blues have hit me really hard this year. Looking back, I'm pretty sure they hit me every year, but this time I seem to be really going of the deep end. I always just try and struggle on until the holidays, but the work always seems to multiply and spread so that a holiday is never actually a holiday. I think by June I might be able to have some time off. Up until then my work schedule is chocka.

But, when I get really down, I think about what I'd rather be doing. Short of sitting on the sofa eating pop tarts, the answer is not much. I know where I want to be in five years time, and I know that I need to do what I'm doing now to get there. However painful and knackering it is, I do enjoy it. Sometimes I envy my friends with totally different lives...but I know that realistically I wouldn't change what I'm doing for the world.

It's hard when the days are short, it's dark, you're overloaded and everyone seems wrapped up in their own troubles. You'll get there in the end. All your readers seem to be cheering you on, so you're never alone!

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I just wanted to offer some moral support. I hope you manage to take some time and get back in the right headspace.

Trainee Paramedic said...

Hey Mery's, I think that you should book yourself a holiday for next summer. I just have a it feel's great, and then you remember it's only a few week's till the Christmas 'break'. With the night's that you've been doing, it's not nice going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark!

Hope you cheer up soon!

littlemissme said...

All med students feel like that at some point. All it takes is a comment from a consultant such as " you're in WHAT year? My goodness you will never pass finals! , or a busy week where you dont get a rest and cant learn anything. BUT you are learning and improving all the time even if you dont realise it. Think back to when you first started and list all you that you have learned or improved, youd need a very big piece of paper! Im in final year and its only now that I feel I know what im doing, the whole of 4th year i stumbled through as if i were blind! The information is overwhelming but you learn to sift through things and get a little system for doing things. I did pass my finals despite said consultants comments and since then had another Dr telling me he would remember me for finals. upon which I informed him Id already passed with distinction. classic! Im also a post-grad and work as an auxilliary and its very easy to get caught up doing loads of shifts for money. However, it is wiser to cut the shifts to a minimum and conserve the energy, think long term not short term. I will do the odd shift these days but have taken out career lonas instead as Id rather pay that back than kill myself doing nightshift. I have a child and have also suffered times of self-doubt and depression but if you hang in there you will feel a lot better long term about yourself. good luck and chin up!If i can do it so can you!please remember there are literally thousands feeling the way you do x