26 April 2007

And then it all goes balls up.

Sadly last night I received some bad news. My grandmother died last night in hospital, and it wasn't particularly expected (well not to me anyway).

My poor father has fallen apart having lost his mother, and couldn't speak to me between choking back tears.

Hence today has been written off completely and I intend to crawl back into bed now.

I was meant to be on a placement day today, but I simply couldn't face it, so I've taken the day off.

Unfortunately I'm a selfish bitch, and can't help thinking that if I'd got off my arse when I was at home I could have gone around and seen her. We lived a mere 2 minutes walk from her, and now I can't see her anymore.

My last memory is of the family wedding I attended, looking after her and keeping her company when no-one else seemed to want to.

Unfortunately my mind is full of unanswered questions, and I feel selfish for wanting a post-mortem so that I can get some answers.

Worse still, from the environment I work and study in, in my mind I can't help but see her laid out, or in a fridge somewhere. Worried that her hair is a mess, or that someone hasn't held her hand or stroked her face. Worse still no-one was with her and no-one said goodbye.

Especially not me.

Sometimes it just really messes you up.

12 comments:

Phoenix said...

Sorry to hear this Merys ((hug))

It sucks doesn't it? My gran died suddenly the day before I was due to interview for my own job which I was already in, and I went to pieces and ended up jobless.

Please try not to think of your gran from a medical point of view. I know its difficult but it's also vitally important that you separate your personal feelings as a granddaughter from your professional experience as a medical student. And don't blame yourself for not seeing her - you weren't to know, and she wouldn't have blamed you.

Look after yourself, and let us know how you're getting on.

Jo said...

*hugs*

caramaena said...

Oh Merys, I'm so sorry. *hugs* to you.

Jo said...

I couldn't see this and not send a hug.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

Dr K said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your gran, Merys. It sounds like she had the joy of your company at the wedding and maybe that meant a lot to her.

Don't feel selfish for wanting a postmortem. It's just a medical procedure like a hip replacement or cardiac bypass, the difference is that it doesn't directly benefit the patient themself. It can be of benefit to the patient's family (by answering their questions about the death, and in some cases showing up previously unknown genetic conditions) and that is one of the reasons for doing one. Whether your gran does have a postmortem or not, don't feel bad about wanting one.

Take some time off don't be hard on yourself for feeling whatever you're feeling. Best wishes

Dr Andrew Brown said...

Nearly all of us feel guilty after the death of a loved one, and feel we "should have done more" or visited more often. I have also been there and collected the tee-shirt.
But memories go a long way when you are a granny, and she will have remembered your kindness to her at the wedding and no doubt on many other previous occasions.
When my Mum died I found myself feeling irrationally cross with the old ladies I saw in surgery. Eventually I realised that I was cross with them for being alive when Mum was dead.
I'm sure your gran was very proud of her medical-student granddaughter, and wouldn't want you to feel guilty. So don't!
And though her body will no doubt be treated respectfully, she isn't there any more.

Cal said...

Merys,

I'm so sorry.

Do check your inbox when you get a chance to, sweetheart.

:(

Cal

Anonymous said...

Life comes and goes. But good memories stay forever.

I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you and your family the best in these difficult times.

Lennie.

H said...

Huge hugs for you and your family.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Take care.

Lola Cherry Cola said...

Hey, just want to say sorry for your loss. I hope you're ok and if you need to talk just give me a shout.

MB said...

I'm so sorry Merys, I lost a family member quite recently too. It really shocks the system.

*hugs* take care of yourself

the little medic said...

I'm really sorry to hear that :(
It is never easy for anyone what that happens.
Dont forget to take care of yourself.