18 July 2007

To be a failure (part 1)

I promised I wouldn’t bring this up again, but someone else keeps stirring around in the brown stuff, so I guess I have to.

Apparently when my grandmother was ill, and before she died, I failed her. I was told tonight that I’m selfish and insolent, and I showed my true colours when she was ill. This was all from the same person who refused to let me visit her in hospital because she wasn’t the grandmother I knew. The same person who told me it wasn’t my fault, and that I wasn’t to know how ill she was. The same person who now isn’t speaking to me, and is sat in her bedroom sniffling and blowing her nose.

I’m sorry if I was selfish, and I’m sorry I didn’t go to see her. But I’ve already had this niggling away at the back of my mind since she died. Thank you mum, for your harsh and cutting words.

I love you, but I’m finding it very hard to speak to you right now.

9 comments:

Elaine said...

Oh poor Merys (and probably poor mum too in fact) The grieving process is hard, and not only have you lost a well loved grandmother, but also your mother has lost her mother and must be finding it hard.

My sympathy to both of you. {{{hugs}}}}

caramaena said...

*hugs* to you Merys. You're probably familiar with the 5 stages of grief thing - it sounds like the anger is coming out for your mum.

Not an easy thing to deal with when you're grieving too.

Jo said...

{lots of hugs to you}

Jo (different to Jo above!) said...

*hugs*

Grief sucks.

Xavier Emmanuelle said...

Grieving makes people do and say things that they don't really mean. I'm sure that the anger is not really at you, but is temporarily being directed at you.

Anonymous said...

Mums can be bitches can't they?

My mother doesn't have anything to grieve about, her life is pretty perfect. However she took time this evening to call me in order to tell me how fucking useless and pathetic and stupid and naive and how much of an embarrassment and a failure I am, to have gotten an FTSTA and not an ST post.

She knows there are tens of thousands of unemployed juniors. She knows doctors with academic achievements appear to have been discriminated against. She knows the UK's hospitals are on suicide alert for their medical staff.

Still, she thinks I'm a pathetic, stupid, useless failure. And she made the effort to let me know. Nice.

Bill Sticker said...

Just had a similar argument with my eldest. All I wanted from her was a time, a date and a place to shift some of her student gear; yet trying to get this information almost ended in a full blown crying fit. Her grandmother does exactly the same thing, quoting words you never said and whining that I 'never listen' when that is precisely what I want to do; providing of course that this is the answer to the question I asked. I'm confused.

Regards

Bill

Lola Cherry Cola said...

It's difficult, you're both grieving. I'm sure your mum didn't mean to say it. Hope things get better *hugs*

Cal said...

I know that this comment is a little too late, but I'm so sorry for the both of you. It can't be easy.

Anger is a natural part of the grieving process, and your mother probably didn't mean to say those harsh things.

Chin up, Merys, and if you ever need to talk, I'm only an email away.